Every so often I go visit elderly folks at an assistant living facility near my house. There is this sweet lady who is like an old movie star. Her beauty is transcendent. I always stop to say hello. Today she was so clear. Today she wasn’t filled with that hopeless look of dementia. She didn’t have the zombie look of despair for not wanting to be there.
I pulled up a chair and sat next to her asking how she was doing. She smiled and told me she was doing well today. I always admire her hair…it’s long and white and just lovely. I said, “You are so exquisitely beautiful. You are like a classy movie star from the 30’s.” Humbly, she replied with a smile and gratitude while taking it all in. I kept asking about breakfast and she cut me off while forcing me to look into her gray sparkling eyes, “Do you know how radiant you are, young lady? Do you know that your outer beauty is just as angelic as your inner one? Your skin and complexion are beautiful. I would give anything to have that again. Age is not for those with hangups and fears. It comes without permission.”
I cried…I broke down. It was unprofessional but it was my humanness at its most vulnerable state of being. I had to sit and just sob while she reached over and grabbed my hand to come to her bed. Then she said, “Every once in a while the soul needs to release. It’s alright, sweet girl, it’s all right. You don’t have to be so brave. You don’t owe the world a piece of your soul. It’s okay to just cry.” Spoken like a true angel.
It took all of me to compose myself…to go sit on her bed and hug her. I don’t know why I released there and with her. She’s not my client. She is just Helen who I see once a week. But, at that moment She wasn’t a stranger. She was like speaking to my grandmother who was so wise. I just sat there being held by her while she patted my back and ran her fingers through my hair. I left her sweater soiled with the marks of my soul and whatever was needing to be released along with mascara and snot.
I am feeling vulnerable and weak today. I am feeling tired and not very clear in what I need. I don’t know why I am so fractured. I don’t understand why I feel this empty hole for humanity and all that I see. I see these people and their loneliness, their despair, and I see humanity not evolving as I want to believe in my mystical practice. We are so careless and full of so much crap…worrying about this and that.
I don’t know anything. I only know humility and what I am being shown through actions and words. Each time that I enter these places, I realize that I am nothing. I have no way of helping these people anymore than I can help my very own. The only difference is that they have a voice that now echoes in my heart….and for that, today…just for a little bit today…it echoes with their pain.